WHAT MONTH IS IT?

Happy New!

Happy spring. Happy Easter. Happy better weather. Happy baseball. Just Happy!

We made it through another dark cold wet winter. The sun is out. The dandelions are out. And evidently certain things in Jesse James pants are out.

I always take to heart that this is the season for rebirth. The time to put some pavement under your shoes and get moving. This is easy for me. Unemployed is still the box I check on any survey that comes my way. But with so many Happy's maybe something new will stop hiding from me on my casual job searches. Maybe that company that loves the big old boys with the speed of a manatee and the sharpness of toy knife will open it's door to me. Extend it's large corporate arms and say welcome. And if and when that day comes I will surely shed a tear. For a job is a sign of not being a lazy bum. A job is a sign of responsibilities. And a job is a sign of a certain loss of freedom.

I've come to the conclusion that true freedom and money are not very good friends. No, they seem to travel on different streets. One is the street of control. The other is the road less traveled. Which is also the one with less landscaping. Less new cars. Less new kitchen gadgets. And less keeping an accurate measure of time.

Well I guess I won't be the first stuck putting little widgets in large boxes. I guess I won't be the first to drag my grumpy ass home at the end of my shift to suck down beer and bitch about the traffic. But I'm sure a pocket full of minimum wage dollars will help me forget all that. I'm sure joy will spread over my face with every cart I pass out at Wal-Mart. I'm sure there is no better way to spend a day.

How sad. When we are working all many of us can think of is getting out of our job. When we are unemployed all many of us can think of is getting back into a crappie job.

But it's the season of new and I won't think that way. No I will have only shiny positive thoughts. For example my new retirement plan may kick in. I've been investing in it twice a week. I know that soon the numbers will match up. I know that soon I will be thanking the state and asking for one lump payment. Then I can sit back and do absolutely nothing with my day. Hey wait a minute.

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOUR TWEET

We are so close to tech nirvana. We are on the cusp of the new human. Soon we will be a new class of living creatures. Bow down to the new order.

First off. Did you see me at the mall recently? Walking about shoving a mall corn dog into my yapper. Nope. I don't think so. How about at the movie theater on Saturday night? Shuffling into the dark cave with hundreds pushing and shoving all about me, while I try to balance my eight dollar popcorn in near darkness. Nope. That little walk reminds me too much of the scene in the movie The Time Machine. When the whistle blew we all faced the dark rock and like zombies moved forward. On to our doom! Thirty minutes of commericals and trailers. Look for me at the blue light specials of our local Kmart and you shall be disappointed. For I shall not be there.

No sir. Not when the good folks with names like Jobs and Gates has made it almost possible for me to live my life all within the safety and comfort of my home. This is a revolution. A sofa, a computer with Internet, a TV with a few hundred channels, a video game console, I could go on and on. Netflix keeps the movies coming. Amazon lets me have books tossed on the front porch. I can order groceries and have them delivered. Itunes lets me dance where no one can see me. Hell I can even have a $10 pizza in thirty minutes. Ten bucks! You can't make one that cheap in your kitchen! I pay bills without ever going to the post office. And I can grow pretend crops on a pretend farm. All this and more without ever talking to another human being. In fact now that I think about it I can have contact with my fellow earthlings without talking to them. I'll just text them.

Heaven on earth! What can I say as I wipe a tear away from my eye. Wait I have to IM someone: OMG GTHOML (get the hell off my lawn)!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

What do plumbers, kids, college students and animals all have in common? They are all searching for ghost.

And for some reason I am fascinated. I watch almost all of them on TV. Sometimes for hours. This type of program seems to be the new craze right now. Almost every network has a ghost hunting show on. The Travel channel. The Fine Living channel. A&E. On and on. I'm not sure how searching for ghost has anything to do with travel or living fine but this seems to be a common link for many networks. At least the Food Network hasn't jumped on the bandwagon YET. But I can see the possibilities. "TONIGHT WE SEARCH FOR, FIND AND COOK WITH THE SPIRIT OF LIZZIE BORDEN!" What would the main course be? What else but chopped steak. (Sorry.)

I guess we watch hoping to see some type of real proof of an afterlife. I don't think it's to be scared. Trust me. Watching some guy run around on a little island in Italy with a big nose mask on yelling in f*#ked up Italian does not scare me. If you watch Ghost Adventures you know what I'm talking about.

So I sit watching a bunch of grown people run around in pitch darkness for hours waiting for a spirit to make themselves known. I hope for that undeniable video proof that shows our afterlife is spent in another dimension. But what do I get? Static. Static that can pretty much sound like whatever you want it to sound like. What do you hear? Um noise? Listen again. Don't you hear a voice saying "I want a donut. Booooo." Now that you mention it yes I think I hear that.
Or the jerk of the head and the scream DID YOU SEE THAT?!? No we the audience didn't see that. Because the camera is never pointed at THAT. It's always pointed at you looking at that. How about that flying orb of dust? Or the shadow crossing in front of the camera that sure looks like one of the team members? Wow. Haunted by dust and shadows. But still I get suckered in every time just before a commercial break when one of the team member yells out WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Of course I sit through the commercials so I too can see what the hell that was only to find out is was a spider. What the hell is a spider doing in an old abandon haunted building? Stupid spider.

But I watch and watch I will continue to do. And hope I will that someday proof will come. A spirit will come forth grab a donut smile at the camera then walk through a wall. It could happen. Wait! Did you hear that? FOOTSTEPS! For real I hear footsteps. Damn, it's just my wife getting out of bed and coming for her morning coffee.