Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!
A day with no presents, no special meals, no special church services. Just drink and talk funny and you have talk like a pirate day! It's rare to have something fun that a large group hasn't taken over and placed protocol into.
Well on this day as far as I know there's no special pirate turkey. No pirate tree or pirate decorations. Not even a special pirate box of chocolates. Nope, just drink and talk funny. What could be easier or more fun? In fact now that I think about it I've been celebrating Talk Like a Pirate day almost every day for years now.
Go to this site to get more details: www.talklikeapirate.com
And if you want to know the answer to all of life's question do some homework and watch Blackbeard's Ghost on tape or DVD. After seeing this film life will make more sense to you. You may even long for somethings past. Like Blackbeard says's: Your modern life seems to have gotten all puckered up.
Well let's get back to our roots for awhile and just do. And keep yer rum close at hand.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
THERE WAS A MAN FROM THE 909
I march closer to the unemployment line. My soon to be former company gave me a stack of papers to read and sign. A little like divorce papers. I wouldn't mind just signing them and handing them back except for the fact that they keep giving me constant warnings to go ahead and have my attorney review them if I like. "Now if you want your attorney to look these overs that's fine. In fact I advise you to do that". Well first off I'm just a little guy who doesn't have an attorney. I haven't needed an attorney in twenty years. To find a lawyer to just look over a bunch of papers is pretty hard. Most don't want to talk to me unless I fell off the building here at work or better yet if an ambulance ran me over. Second, I'm not a big fan of attorneys.
In fact that reminds me of one of my favorite jokes. i present it here for your reading pleasure.
Three men are driving together on a barren country road. One is a Jewish Rabbi, the other a guru from India and the third a lawyer. It's late at night and of course the car breaks down. They notice about a mile away in the middle of a field is a farmhouse. They decide to go there and ask for help. They knock on the door, the farmer answers and they explain about their car. The farmer tells them that there is a mechanic in town but that he would be closed this late at night. He tells them "if you like I can let you guys sleep here tonight then in the morning I'll drive you into town. The only problem is that I only have room for two of you. One of you will have to sleep in the barn." They thank him then try to decide who will sleep in the barn. Finally the Guru says "Since I am use to poverty I will sleep in the barn." So off he goes. In a few minutes there is a knock at the door. They open it and find the guru standing there. "I'm sorry but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are very sacred in my culture and I cannot sleep with a scared animal." The Rabbi says "fine I'll sleep in the barn." In a few minutes sure enough there is a knock at the door and it's the Rabbi. "Sorry but there's a pig in the barn. Pigs are not kosher and I cannot sleep with an animal that is not kosher." The lawyer says "alright,alright I'll sleep in the barn" and storms off. Just like before in a few minutes there's a knock at the door. They open it and it's the cow and the pig.
Man I hate my life right now.
In fact that reminds me of one of my favorite jokes. i present it here for your reading pleasure.
Three men are driving together on a barren country road. One is a Jewish Rabbi, the other a guru from India and the third a lawyer. It's late at night and of course the car breaks down. They notice about a mile away in the middle of a field is a farmhouse. They decide to go there and ask for help. They knock on the door, the farmer answers and they explain about their car. The farmer tells them that there is a mechanic in town but that he would be closed this late at night. He tells them "if you like I can let you guys sleep here tonight then in the morning I'll drive you into town. The only problem is that I only have room for two of you. One of you will have to sleep in the barn." They thank him then try to decide who will sleep in the barn. Finally the Guru says "Since I am use to poverty I will sleep in the barn." So off he goes. In a few minutes there is a knock at the door. They open it and find the guru standing there. "I'm sorry but there is a cow in the barn. Cows are very sacred in my culture and I cannot sleep with a scared animal." The Rabbi says "fine I'll sleep in the barn." In a few minutes sure enough there is a knock at the door and it's the Rabbi. "Sorry but there's a pig in the barn. Pigs are not kosher and I cannot sleep with an animal that is not kosher." The lawyer says "alright,alright I'll sleep in the barn" and storms off. Just like before in a few minutes there's a knock at the door. They open it and it's the cow and the pig.
Man I hate my life right now.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
A CHANGE IS GONNA COME
i hope all my non-readers had a wonderful holiday.
For me it has been perhaps the beginning of a whole different life. First, I may have to change the name of this blog to Fifty Plus only because as of today I can no longer count myself as part of the younger generation know as the forty-somethings. It's official I've entered my fifty's. To say I'm happy about it would mean you would first have to hide all the self hanging rope available to me. Fifty is what I never wanted to be. That's when things start to change. That's when funeral burial polices become available (50 to 85). That's when you start to get your new old looking face (man he's changed). That's when getting out of bed starts to sound like the snap, crackle, pop. What makes it worse is that my sixties are just around the corner. I'm pretty sure I was suppose go out in a blaze of glory, flying over a cliff in a Corvette not driving 35 in a Toyota in the fast lane with my left blinker on. What hell! What can you do? Pass the heroine and let's get this over with.
Next up, I've come to find out the the company I've given thirty plus years of my life to no longer wants me. True it's not me they just don't want to be in California anymore. They are so so sad and wish to help me transition to something else. Really? Last time I looked the demand for overweight fifty-year-old was not blocking any doorway. No dear non-reader any way you slice it I am unemployed. This is a wonderful time in America to be out of work. In fact I just heard on the news that the unemployment office here in California is just about bankrupt. I may not have much but you gotta admit I have timing.
Well as they say: on to the next chapter. I can't wait to come back to this blog and see what happens. But be warned. On my list of what to cut out to save money inter net service is close to the top. So if we never type this way again good luck and God bless America.
For me it has been perhaps the beginning of a whole different life. First, I may have to change the name of this blog to Fifty Plus only because as of today I can no longer count myself as part of the younger generation know as the forty-somethings. It's official I've entered my fifty's. To say I'm happy about it would mean you would first have to hide all the self hanging rope available to me. Fifty is what I never wanted to be. That's when things start to change. That's when funeral burial polices become available (50 to 85). That's when you start to get your new old looking face (man he's changed). That's when getting out of bed starts to sound like the snap, crackle, pop. What makes it worse is that my sixties are just around the corner. I'm pretty sure I was suppose go out in a blaze of glory, flying over a cliff in a Corvette not driving 35 in a Toyota in the fast lane with my left blinker on. What hell! What can you do? Pass the heroine and let's get this over with.
Next up, I've come to find out the the company I've given thirty plus years of my life to no longer wants me. True it's not me they just don't want to be in California anymore. They are so so sad and wish to help me transition to something else. Really? Last time I looked the demand for overweight fifty-year-old was not blocking any doorway. No dear non-reader any way you slice it I am unemployed. This is a wonderful time in America to be out of work. In fact I just heard on the news that the unemployment office here in California is just about bankrupt. I may not have much but you gotta admit I have timing.
Well as they say: on to the next chapter. I can't wait to come back to this blog and see what happens. But be warned. On my list of what to cut out to save money inter net service is close to the top. So if we never type this way again good luck and God bless America.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
PASS THE POPCORN AND OHHS & AHHS
I, like many others, am an avid sports fan. Not an obsessive sports fan but for me it's not a problem to waste a beautiful fall Sunday watching football. And I mean watching ALL day Sunday. Sorry God.
Well for many of my fellow sport fans this is a dead period to them. Basketball is a memory, hockey has disappeared and football is just beginning their training camps. But wait. Maybe you have tunnel vision. I mean baseball is in full swing. I know for many of you that just means a snooze fest. But name me another game that you can watch on TV and balance your checkbook at the same time. Don't get me wrong I love baseball. Especially with the Angels doing so well right now. Sometimes I wish baseball players didn't seem like big babies. I mean if a player chips a nail out on the field it's a guaranteed 15 days on the disabled list. But still it's an option for you viewing pleasure.
If you want something more hardcore may I suggest the X Games. This little get together starts today in LA and is most definitely kick ass. To watch these younguns defie gravity on skateboards and bikes (both pedal and motor) is to question the laws of natural science. Except for Jake Brown. Last year at the 2007 X Games he proved that gravity can be a bitch and never really goes away. You may have seen his famous video of what happens when your 45 feet in the air and your skateboard decides to go home without you. Lets just say swinging your arms and legs will not cause you to fly. This was followed by a thud heard round the world. This was not a good landing. I honestly thought he was dead. Knocked out yes but dead, no. That shows you what an advantage it is to be young and in shape. If that had been somebody from my generation they would still be scrubbing the spot where the old guy exploded on impact.
Well anyway that's two things you can watch until football starts their pre-season games. Wait I think there may be something else that starts next week. What was that? Something to do with a bunch of athletes from around the world getting together for a little hoe down.
No my friend, sports does not suck this time of year.
Well for many of my fellow sport fans this is a dead period to them. Basketball is a memory, hockey has disappeared and football is just beginning their training camps. But wait. Maybe you have tunnel vision. I mean baseball is in full swing. I know for many of you that just means a snooze fest. But name me another game that you can watch on TV and balance your checkbook at the same time. Don't get me wrong I love baseball. Especially with the Angels doing so well right now. Sometimes I wish baseball players didn't seem like big babies. I mean if a player chips a nail out on the field it's a guaranteed 15 days on the disabled list. But still it's an option for you viewing pleasure.
If you want something more hardcore may I suggest the X Games. This little get together starts today in LA and is most definitely kick ass. To watch these younguns defie gravity on skateboards and bikes (both pedal and motor) is to question the laws of natural science. Except for Jake Brown. Last year at the 2007 X Games he proved that gravity can be a bitch and never really goes away. You may have seen his famous video of what happens when your 45 feet in the air and your skateboard decides to go home without you. Lets just say swinging your arms and legs will not cause you to fly. This was followed by a thud heard round the world. This was not a good landing. I honestly thought he was dead. Knocked out yes but dead, no. That shows you what an advantage it is to be young and in shape. If that had been somebody from my generation they would still be scrubbing the spot where the old guy exploded on impact.
Well anyway that's two things you can watch until football starts their pre-season games. Wait I think there may be something else that starts next week. What was that? Something to do with a bunch of athletes from around the world getting together for a little hoe down.
No my friend, sports does not suck this time of year.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
33 1/3
Encouraging news: LP (long playing) records are making a comeback. It's about time that something I completely understand is making a return. Being a child of the 60's and 70's (from the last century) music was an important part of my life (disco sucks). And the main way we had for connecting with music was records. It was such a simple concept too. Buy the music and you get a whole package. You got large artwork that you could see. You often got lyrics so you could figure out what was being sung. Sometimes you even got bonuses. Like Alice Coopers' Schools Out. It came with pink panties around the record. Or the Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers had a real working zipper on the front cover. Sometimes you got large booklets inside that had photographs and articles about the artist. Or maybe some post cards like inside Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here album. When you wanted to listen you just turned on the record player (turntable for you aficionados) put the little needle in a groove and your off to glorious sounds. There was even a way to go straight to the song you wanted: Pick up needle put it on the grooves to song you want to hear. Of course there were negatives. If you wanted a new record you had to go to someplace called a store. If you wanted a lot of choices you had to go to a record store. Living in California I had my favorite places to buy my records: Licorice Pizza, Tower Records, Leo's Stereo. All gone now. All torn down or turned into sushi counters. Back then the enemy of the record was called a scratch (not scratching) this would cause pops and sizzles to come over your speakers and sometimes cause the record to repeat at the same spot at the same spot at the same spot. It would continue until you got up and moved the needle. This was a small price to pay for the sound you would hear. I'm not sure what the most accurate way is to playback music analog or digital, I just know how pure and clear a brand new record used to sound. Now it's bits of information that some type of computer processer must put back together to hear. Digital feels like it's missing some soul or heart that came with every record. I don't think they've come up with a program yet that can replace that feeling. And now with sites like ITunes and Rhapsody you don't even need to have something physical that you can hold in your hands to buy music. Now when you buy your music over the Internet all you get is bits of information sent to you at the speed of light. Well maybe that's easier than getting on your ten speed and riding downtown to flip through hundreds of records while the store speakers play the latest greatest records just out. Nothing will ever feel the same. Now turn that damn noise you call music down or I'll hide your iPod.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL
I have often been called a great observer (so much easier than actually participating). And what do I observe? The smile of a child as he joyfully plays in the park? The light as it reflects off a floating leaf at the beginning of fall? The tear falling from a mothers eye as she greets her soldier son/daughter returning home after a long and dangerous deployment.
No I noticed that TV is trying to rip off my viewing pleasure! What the hell is going on? So many tricks that the different channels are using on us, mainly either to take away our free will and ability to change channels our trying to pack in as many commercials as possible and still have us believe we're getting a complete show.
For example: Are you one of the many millions that had to watch AMERICAN IDOL or DANCING WITH THE STARS? Did you notice that the shows didn't end at the hour? No they went five minutes into the next hour. Sorry to all you TiVo fans that set your machine to end at the top of the hour. To this day you probably don't know who the big winner was (hint, rock lives on). Why would the networks do this? Do you think maybe it was their attempt at trying to force us to watch their next crappy show that followed? They must think that Americans would be just to lazy and tired to switch channels and then try to catch up on a program that had already started. Not me. My muscles may be flabby but my channel pushing fingers are strong. And since most TV shows aren't written for brain surgeons I'm usually caught up by the second commercial break, which nowadays means five minutes into the show anyway.
And how about the shows themselves? I remember reading an interview with the creator of THE SIMPSONS, Matt Groening, where he stated that making new episodes had gotten easier lately because they pack so many commercials into the show now compared with seasons past that they don't have to come up with as much material. If I ever find the energy to get off the couch and find a stopwatch I bet the amount of actual show time may end up being like 60% of the air time or less. If you watch MTV or VH-1 (and if you do what are you doing reading an old mans blog?) I'll bet you it's more than that.
Because of the number of commercials some networks are now running the closing credits at the same time as the beginning of the next show. You may not have noticed this because they are tiny and placed either at the bottom of the screen or along the side (I'm looking at you SpikeTV). Now Marc Vann will have an awful time proving that he played Conrad Ecklie on an episode of CSI. And how the hell are we suppose to know who the grips where on the same show??
But the most recent tricks that I've noticed are these huge ads that suddenly pop up on the bottom of the screen while the show is on. The ads are for shows on the same network and often take up over half of the lower screen and are very distracting. Since you can't help but notice them I guess that means they're working. The worst I saw was on TBS for this new show that Bill Engvall from Blue Collar Comedy Tour has coming up. I was just trying to watch a re-run of FAMILY GUY when this Engvall guy pops up on half the screen and says look what I can do and freezes the show. Then he makes a pitch for his new show. The horror of it all.
When will the madness end? When will we be able to watch TV in peace again? I don't know much about China or Iran. I don't know GDP from STP but I do know when I being f#*k with. And I know the first one to promise to restore TV to it's former glorious self will get my vote this November. Can you hear me Obama. Are you listening McCain?
No I noticed that TV is trying to rip off my viewing pleasure! What the hell is going on? So many tricks that the different channels are using on us, mainly either to take away our free will and ability to change channels our trying to pack in as many commercials as possible and still have us believe we're getting a complete show.
For example: Are you one of the many millions that had to watch AMERICAN IDOL or DANCING WITH THE STARS? Did you notice that the shows didn't end at the hour? No they went five minutes into the next hour. Sorry to all you TiVo fans that set your machine to end at the top of the hour. To this day you probably don't know who the big winner was (hint, rock lives on). Why would the networks do this? Do you think maybe it was their attempt at trying to force us to watch their next crappy show that followed? They must think that Americans would be just to lazy and tired to switch channels and then try to catch up on a program that had already started. Not me. My muscles may be flabby but my channel pushing fingers are strong. And since most TV shows aren't written for brain surgeons I'm usually caught up by the second commercial break, which nowadays means five minutes into the show anyway.
And how about the shows themselves? I remember reading an interview with the creator of THE SIMPSONS, Matt Groening, where he stated that making new episodes had gotten easier lately because they pack so many commercials into the show now compared with seasons past that they don't have to come up with as much material. If I ever find the energy to get off the couch and find a stopwatch I bet the amount of actual show time may end up being like 60% of the air time or less. If you watch MTV or VH-1 (and if you do what are you doing reading an old mans blog?) I'll bet you it's more than that.
Because of the number of commercials some networks are now running the closing credits at the same time as the beginning of the next show. You may not have noticed this because they are tiny and placed either at the bottom of the screen or along the side (I'm looking at you SpikeTV). Now Marc Vann will have an awful time proving that he played Conrad Ecklie on an episode of CSI. And how the hell are we suppose to know who the grips where on the same show??
But the most recent tricks that I've noticed are these huge ads that suddenly pop up on the bottom of the screen while the show is on. The ads are for shows on the same network and often take up over half of the lower screen and are very distracting. Since you can't help but notice them I guess that means they're working. The worst I saw was on TBS for this new show that Bill Engvall from Blue Collar Comedy Tour has coming up. I was just trying to watch a re-run of FAMILY GUY when this Engvall guy pops up on half the screen and says look what I can do and freezes the show. Then he makes a pitch for his new show. The horror of it all.
When will the madness end? When will we be able to watch TV in peace again? I don't know much about China or Iran. I don't know GDP from STP but I do know when I being f#*k with. And I know the first one to promise to restore TV to it's former glorious self will get my vote this November. Can you hear me Obama. Are you listening McCain?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A STAYCATION
Happy almost summer. My most favorite season. One thing I tried to do every summer was some type of road trip. Up the coast, down old Rte. 66, over the 15 to Vegas. Well thanks to the Arabs and the oil companies I think this year I'll just have what I'm calling a Staycation. I'm just staying home.
It seems like everything has just piled up to make a vacation of any type just to hard and expensive to do. Drive you car? Forget it. The news is saying gas could be five or six bucks a gallon this summer. Then you have traffic when you do fill up and hit the road. I don't know how many non-readers read this but if you live in the So Cal area and try to drive to Las Vegas or Laughlin you'll average about 40mph. That means a three or four hour drive through the desert could take you five or six hours. Six hours of stop and go driving does not make me think I'm having a good time. Plus I'll be going slow enough for the CHP to see if I have my seat belt on or not. I know, I know. Seat belts are good. Seat belts save lives. But I'm not a big fan of government telling us what to do if what we're doing doesn't hurt anyone else. If I'm involved in a car crash and decide I want to fly through the windshield then that should be my right.
How about flying there then? How about paying fifteen bucks minimum for every bag you want to bring with you? How about paying a much higher price for your ticket? How about standing in front of a machine at security that makes you look naked? Even if you do make it to the plane for your flight forget about the free peanuts (I guess those little bags of nuts would bankrupt the airlines).
No dear travelers my vacation travel will be going from my wide screen TV to the Bar-b-Que in the back yard. I'll keep enough exotic drinks close to blender so I can close my eyes and pretend I'm in some far off location. I'll keep Halo 3 warmed up on the old X-box so I can explore strange new sights.
All this and I'll never move the car from the driveway. Cheers.
It seems like everything has just piled up to make a vacation of any type just to hard and expensive to do. Drive you car? Forget it. The news is saying gas could be five or six bucks a gallon this summer. Then you have traffic when you do fill up and hit the road. I don't know how many non-readers read this but if you live in the So Cal area and try to drive to Las Vegas or Laughlin you'll average about 40mph. That means a three or four hour drive through the desert could take you five or six hours. Six hours of stop and go driving does not make me think I'm having a good time. Plus I'll be going slow enough for the CHP to see if I have my seat belt on or not. I know, I know. Seat belts are good. Seat belts save lives. But I'm not a big fan of government telling us what to do if what we're doing doesn't hurt anyone else. If I'm involved in a car crash and decide I want to fly through the windshield then that should be my right.
How about flying there then? How about paying fifteen bucks minimum for every bag you want to bring with you? How about paying a much higher price for your ticket? How about standing in front of a machine at security that makes you look naked? Even if you do make it to the plane for your flight forget about the free peanuts (I guess those little bags of nuts would bankrupt the airlines).
No dear travelers my vacation travel will be going from my wide screen TV to the Bar-b-Que in the back yard. I'll keep enough exotic drinks close to blender so I can close my eyes and pretend I'm in some far off location. I'll keep Halo 3 warmed up on the old X-box so I can explore strange new sights.
All this and I'll never move the car from the driveway. Cheers.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
OK I haven't done a post in a long long time. I don't know why. Maybe it was just a feeling of loneliness. Maybe it was just all the effort it took to sign on. It could be because every time I turn on the computer I always sneak over to youtube. Poor excuses all but at least I'm doing it now. If any one's interested I did make a new years resolution to update this thing at least a couple times a week. I'm doing great so far if you consider the resolution will be for 2012. I think that's when the world is suppose to end so I should be able to get out of it.
Speaking of the world, what the hell are you guys doing? I've only been gone a few months and look whats happened: Giant earthquakes, giant cyclones, giant gas prices. Come on guys who watch is it anyway? I even heard Brittany might be pregnant again.
This is what happens when old guys get tired and don't give a damn anymore. Me? I just watch TV and play my video games. Let the younger generation have a turn at screwing up the world. Can't buy rice or milk at the market anymore. Can't fill my gas tank up to even get to the market in the first place. Can't water my lawn anymore because we're running out of water. Can't smoke my cigars because someone told me one cigar is equal to two packs of cigarettes. Man all the fun is drying out faster than my former green lawn.
One good note: I was watching 60minutes a few weeks ago and according to some scientist in about twenty years we should all be able to live to be 150. Great! Only a hundred more years of watching Clinton/Obama?McCain telling us how they're the answer to all our problems.
I'm outta here. Now get the hell off my dirt. (Fair warning, I WILL be back)
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